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JOKES!
May 14, 2006 8:49:30 GMT -5
Post by J B O Y on May 14, 2006 8:49:30 GMT -5
A WELL DRESSED BLACK GUY WALKS INTO A BANK AND TELLS THE LADY AT THE DESK HE IS HERE FOR A JOB. SHE SMILES AND GETS THE BANK PRES.
BANK PRES COMES OUT( A WELL DRESSED WHITE GUY) AND SAYS FOR THE BLACK TO COME INTO HIS OFFICE.
THE BLACK MAN PULLS OUT HIS RESUME AND TELLS THE WHITE GUY HE NEEDS A JOB COULD YOU HELP ME OUT.
THE BANK PRES SAYS SURE LET ME LOOK WHATS AVAILABLE NO NOT THAT, NOT THAT, OH HERES ONE FOR YOU.
GREAT SAYS THE EXCITED BLACK MAN WHAT IS IT.
WELL SAYS THE PRES SMILING ITS AN 80K A YEAR POSITION, WITH COMPANY CAR AND CREDIT CARD, 30 DAYS PAID VAC, MED, DENTAL, LIFE INS, RETIREMENT PLAN AND WE MATCH ALL CONTRIBUTIONS TO 401K.
THE BLACK GUY IS AMAZED AND CANT HELP BUT LAUGHING, ASKING THE BANK PRES "ARE YOU JOKING"?
LAUGHING BACK THE WHITE GUY SAYS "YEAH BUT YOU STARTED IT"!
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ring87
General Greivous
3rd density endgame.
Posts: 329
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JOKES!
May 21, 2006 13:14:13 GMT -5
Post by ring87 on May 21, 2006 13:14:13 GMT -5
A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call the guy and hold the burning fuse up to the phone. "Hear that?" you say. "That's dynamite, baby."
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Aug 1, 2006 8:37:09 GMT -5
Post by Ken on Aug 1, 2006 8:37:09 GMT -5
WHY WE DRINK
You guys will love these....
"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink I feel shame Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes and dreams . If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered.
Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver." ~ Jack Handy
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"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. " ~ Frank Sinatra ~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading." ~ Henny Youngman ~
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"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not." ~ Stephen Wright ~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!" ~ Brian O'Rourke ~
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"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy." ~ Benjamin Franklin ~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza." ~ Dave Barry ~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can! ~ Dave Howell ~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers.
One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the "Buffalo Theory" to his buddy Norm. Here's how it went:
"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."
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Oct 11, 2006 18:17:02 GMT -5
Post by Ken on Oct 11, 2006 18:17:02 GMT -5
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Oct 15, 2006 7:29:18 GMT -5
Post by RACIST on Oct 15, 2006 7:29:18 GMT -5
AN EGG DELIVERY GUY IS GOING ON VAC SO HE GETS HIS BUDDY TO DRIVE HIS ROUTE WHILE HES AWAY. THE GUY TELLS HIS BUDDY THAT NI MATTER WHAT YOU DO DO NOT SPEED INTO TOWN BECAUSE THE SHERIFF WILL PULL YOU OVER. GO 30 N U WILL B FINE ANY MORE AND U WILL GET A TICKET.
SO THE NEXT MORN THE GUY HAS THE EGGS ALL LOADED UP IN THE BACK OF THE TRUCK AND SETS OUT FOR TOWN. ON THE WAY TO TOWN HE PULLS UP TO A BRIDGE WHERE 2 BLACK KIDS ARE FISHING. THEY STOP HIM N ASK IF HE COULD DRIVE THEM INTO TOWN. HE SAYS SURE BUT YOU HAVE 2 RIDE IN THE BACK.
HE LIFTS THE 2 KIDS INTO THE BACK FOLLOWED BY THERE BIKES AND FISHING POLES. AS HE COMES INTO TOWN HE SEES THE SHERIFF PULLING HIM OVER(HES DOING 35). THE SHERIFF SAYS WHAT HAPPEND TO THE DELIVERY GUY AND WHY ARE U SPEEDING IN MY TOWN.
THE DRIVER APPOLOGISES AND SAYS OFFICER U DONT UNDERSTAND. HE GETS OUT OF THE TRUCK TELLING THE COP "I HAVE A TRUCK FULL OF NIGGER EGGS, 2 OF THEM ALREADY HATCHED, AND THEY ARE ALREADY STEALING BIKES.
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Oct 15, 2006 17:08:17 GMT -5
Post by Rob G on Oct 15, 2006 17:08:17 GMT -5
MWAHAHAHAhAHAHAHAHAHAHA
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Oct 31, 2006 21:01:32 GMT -5
Post by Ken on Oct 31, 2006 21:01:32 GMT -5
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Nov 5, 2006 7:55:02 GMT -5
Post by Rob G on Nov 5, 2006 7:55:02 GMT -5
Some random Facts abut Vin Diesal: "Vin Diesel is actually made up of four seperate men, jointed with cables and a complicated mirror arrangement" "Vin Diesel once lost the remote, but maintained control of the TV by calmly telling it what to do" Even though his lower half is cybernetic, his left knee cap is actually bone. But it isn't his bone. It is the kneecap of one Eister Rauchstein, holocaust victim at Auschwitz. The immortal spirit of Eister is trapped in the kneecap and Vin taps its energy to regenerate his wounds, or survive without food and water for days. Vin Diesel lines his trombone case with the souls of the damned. Vin Diesel only eats Lasagna - Lasagna made of Kenyan children. For the filming of Pitch Black and Chronicles of Riddick, Vin Diesel created a parellel universe populated with the characters from the script in order to save on the cost of hiring actors Vin Diesel put the crack in the Liberty Bell when fighting Evil Robot George Washington "Vin Diesel is on a personal vendetta against the film 'Powder', absolutely positive that the albino character in the movie ate his dragon." "Vin Diesel killed a member of PETA to grow more of them in his garden." For Halloween, Vin Diesel cuts down a tree, scoops out the inside, fills it with candy, and then stabs anyone who rings his doorbell. He then eats the candy-filled tree. On the night of a full moon, Vin Diesel can often be spotted running buck naked through Central Park to "show those werewolves a thing or two about pain." Will Smith once said, "I got to get me one of these." Vin Diesel does in fact have one of those. Vin Diesal Single-handedly took down an entire group of ninjas by shouting his name Vin Diesel almost refused to do the film "Triple X" when his idea to name it "Infinity X" was turned down by the producers. Vin Diesel doesn't read in the conventional sense. Rather, the words form into gladiators within his psyche, drawing upon the powers of their respective meanings, and battle until only the strongest survive in an arena of fire. Heres a website more 4q.cc/index.php?pid=fact&person=vin
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Dec 6, 2006 22:20:36 GMT -5
Post by Vinny Blanco on Dec 6, 2006 22:20:36 GMT -5
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Dec 7, 2006 21:14:11 GMT -5
Post by Ken on Dec 7, 2006 21:14:11 GMT -5
Here's a truly heart-warming story about the bond formed between a little 5-year-old girl and some construction workers that will make you believe that we all can make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time.
A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers. Eventually the construction crew, all of them "gems-in-the-rough," more or less, adopted her as a kind of project mascot.
They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars.
The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars "pay" to the bank to start a savings account. When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age.
The little girl proudly replied,I worked last week with a real work crew building the new house next door to us." "Oh my goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"
The little girl replied, "I will, if those assholes at Home Depot ever deliver the fuckin' sheetrock..." Kind of brings a tear to the eye - doesn't it?
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Dec 9, 2006 11:23:49 GMT -5
Post by Ken on Dec 9, 2006 11:23:49 GMT -5
Neologisms
Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly neologism contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.
The winners are: 1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief that,when you die, your Soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.
The Washington Post's Style Invitational also asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.
Here are this year's winners:
1. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
2. Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
3. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
4. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very,very high.
5. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
6. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
7. Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.
8. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
9. Karmageddon (n): its like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
10 Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
11. Glibido (v): All talk and no action.
12. Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
13. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
14. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
15. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.
And the pick of the literature:
16. Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an asshole
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Jan 20, 2007 14:56:29 GMT -5
Post by Ken on Jan 20, 2007 14:56:29 GMT -5
More Political Correctness Terms...
Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as "HILLBILLIES." You must now refer to them as APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS.
And furthermore HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT: 1. She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN." 2. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE." 3. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY." 4. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION." 5. She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE." 6. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER." HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT: 1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY." 2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN." 3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS." 4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION." 5. He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS" - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION." 6. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants - It's "REAR CLEAVAGE."
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ring87
General Greivous
3rd density endgame.
Posts: 329
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JOKES!
Feb 14, 2007 20:01:46 GMT -5
Post by ring87 on Feb 14, 2007 20:01:46 GMT -5
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JOKES!
Feb 17, 2007 4:19:23 GMT -5
Post by Ring on Feb 17, 2007 4:19:23 GMT -5
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Feb 17, 2007 22:04:17 GMT -5
Post by Ken on Feb 17, 2007 22:04:17 GMT -5
Wouldn't you just love to hear this speech?
My Fellow Americans: As you all know, the defeat of Iraq regime has been completed. Since congress does not want to spend any more money on this war, our mission in Iraq is complete. This morning I gave the order for a complete removal of all American forces from Iraq This action will be complete within 30 days. It is now time to begin the reckoning.
Before me, I have two lists. One list contains the names of countries which have stood by our side during the Iraq conflict. This list is short. The United Kingdom , Spain , Bulgaria , Australia , and Poland are some of the countries listed there. The other list contains everyone not on the first list. Most of the world's nations are on that list. My press secretary will be distributing copies of both lists later this evening.
Let me start by saying that effective immediately, foreign aid to those nations on List 2 ceases immediately and indefinitely. The money saved during the first year alone will pretty much pay for the costs of the Iraqi war. The American people are no longer going to pour money into third world Hell-holes and watch those government leaders grow fat on corruption.
Need help with a famine? Wrestling with an epidemic? Call France
In the future, together with Congress, I will work to redirect this money toward solving the vexing social problems we still have at home. On that note, a word to terrorist organizations. Screw with us and we will hunt you down and eliminate you and all your friends from the face of the earth.
Thirsting for a gutsy country to terrorize? Attack list #2 , real pushovers. I am ordering the immediate severing of diplomatic relations with France, Germany , and Russia. Thanks for all your help, comrades. We are retiring from NATO as well. Bon chance, mes amis.
I have instructed the Mayor of New York City to begin towing the many UN diplomatic vehicles located in Manhattan with more than two unpaid parking tickets to sites where those vehicles will be stripped, shredded, and crushed. I don't care about whatever treaty pertains to this. You creeps have tens of thousands of unpaid tickets. Pay those tickets tomorrow or watch your precious Benzes, Beamers, and limos be turned over to some of the finest chop shops in the world. I love New York.
A special note to our neighbors. Canada is on List 2. Since we are likely to be seeing a lot more of each other, you folks might want to try not pissing us off for a change.
Mexico is also on List 2. President Fox and his entire corrupt government really need an attitude adjustment. I will have a couple extra tank and infantry divisions sitting around. Guess where I am going to put em? Yep, border security. So start doing something with your oil.
Oh, by the way, the United States is abrogating the NAFTA treaty - starting now.
We are tired of the one-way highway. Immediately, we'll be drilling for oil in Alaska - which will take care of this country's oil needs for decades to come. If you're an environmentalist who opposes this decision, I refer you to List 2 above: pick a country and move there. They care.
It is time for America to focus on its own welfare and its own citizens. Nearly a century of trying to help folks live a decent life around the world has only earned us the undying enmity of just about everyone on the planet. It is time to eliminate hunger in America. It is time to eliminate homelessness in America. It is time to eliminate World Cup Soccer from America.
To the nations on List 1, a final thought. Thanks guys. We owe you and we won't forget.. To the nations on List 2, a final thought: You might want to learn to speak Arabic. God bless America . Thank you and good night.
If you can read this, thank a teacher. If you are reading it in English, thank a soldier.
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