|
JOKES!
Feb 17, 2006 18:02:51 GMT -5
Post by Ken on Feb 17, 2006 18:02:51 GMT -5
A guy is driving around and he sees a sign in front of a house that says:
FOR SALE TALKING DOG
He rings the doorbell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador retriever sitting there.
"Do you really talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the Lab replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The Lab looks up and says: "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.
I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.
I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.
I got married, had a mess of puppies and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed, and he goes back to the house and asks the owner how much
for the dog.
"Ten dollars," the owner says.
"Ten dollars!?! This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"
"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that shit."
|
|
|
JOKES!
Feb 17, 2006 18:04:03 GMT -5
Post by Ken on Feb 17, 2006 18:04:03 GMT -5
The Pasta Diet and Your Health
ITALIAN PASTA DIET -- IT REALLY WORKS !!
1. You walka pasta da bakery.
2. You walka pasta da candy store.
3. You walka pasta da Ice Cream shop.
4. You walka pasta da table and you walk pasta da fridge.
You will lose weight!
|
|
|
JOKES!
Feb 17, 2006 18:04:20 GMT -5
Post by Ken on Feb 17, 2006 18:04:20 GMT -5
For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health.
It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
CONCLUSION
Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
|
|
|
JOKES!
Feb 18, 2006 8:11:39 GMT -5
Post by larr on Feb 18, 2006 8:11:39 GMT -5
that was good
|
|
|
JOKES!
Feb 18, 2006 11:13:23 GMT -5
Post by Ken on Feb 18, 2006 11:13:23 GMT -5
Anytime someone gets a funny joke forwarded to them on their email, post it here, I could use a good laugh. Here's a good one... Larry's receding hair line! ;D ;D ;D ;D That's payback for all the Pennysaver gay jokes. ;D ;D
|
|
|
JOKES!
Feb 20, 2006 11:17:18 GMT -5
Post by Ken on Feb 20, 2006 11:17:18 GMT -5
A new bumper sticker...
I'd rather hunt with Dick Cheney
than ride with Ted Kennedy!
|
|
|
JOKES!
Mar 2, 2006 13:16:45 GMT -5
Post by larr on Mar 2, 2006 13:16:45 GMT -5
"See, this is why Republicans have to commit white collar crimes to steal
money. They're just not good with guns, they don't know how to handle
them." --Jay Leno
"President Bush says he is standing behind the vice president. Way behind
him." --Jay Leno
"The real question now is, is this a one-time thing, or will the vice
president try to kill again." --David Letterman
"I'm surprised Dick Cheney loves to hunt so much. The five times the
government tried to give him a gun, he got a deferment." --Jay Leno
"What a nightmare I had last night. I dreamed I was at a Washington party
and I had to choose between Dick Cheney taking me on a hunting trip or Ted
Kennedy driving me home." --Jay Leno
"The rumor is that Cheney may have been drinking and he wanted to wait
until he sobered up. So he may have been drinking and then he shot a guy.
And you know what's really scary about all of this -- what if it turns out
all this time Bush was the smart one?" --Jay Leno
"Vice President Dick Cheney accidentally shot a man during a quail hunt
... making 78-year-old Harry Whittington the first person shot by a
sitting veep since Alexander Hamilton. Hamilton, of course, (was) shot in
a duel with Aaron Burr over issues of honor, integrity and political
maneuvering. Whittington? Mistaken for a bird." --Jon Stewart (Watch video
clip)
"The Vice President is standing by his decision to shoot Harry
Whittington. Now, according to the best intelligence available, there were
quail hidden in the brush. Everyone believed at the time there were quail
in the brush. And while the quail turned out to be a 78- year-old man,
even knowing that today, Mr. Cheney insists he still would have shot Mr.
Whittington in the face. He believes the world is a better place for his
spreading buckshot throughout the entire region of Mr. Wittington's face."
--"Daily Show" correspondent Rob Corddry
"Here's my favorite part of this whole incident. After Cheney shot the
guy, the police later showed up at the ranch where Cheney was staying and
wanted to talk to him, but was told to come back the next morning. And
that's what they did, they came back the next morning. Kev, that ever
happen in the hood?"-- Jay Leno
"There is a little discrepancy about what happened on this hunt, because
Ann Armstrong, the woman who has this ranch, said there was no alcohol
involved, and Dick Cheney said he had one beer. So apparently, Dick Cheney
can't keep his rifle, his story, or his daughter straight." --Bill Maher
"What I don't understand about this whole thing is that the guy who got
shot, this is his statement today, he said my family and I are deeply
sorry (his face got in the way) for everything the vice president and his
family had to go through this weekend. Wow, that is one loyal Republican.
He also referred to the buckshot wound in his face as '1,000 points of
light.'" --Bill Maher
"He sat down for a one-on-one with Fox News. Very bold choice. Dick Cheney
sitting down with Fox News is like Mrs. Butterworth sitting down with the
Pancake Channel." --Jimmy Kimmel
"Kind of a sad study out today that single women over the age of 35 are
more likely to be shot by the vice president than to find a husband."
--Jimmy Kimmel
"I think Cheney is starting to lose it. After he shot the guy he screamed,
'Anyone else want to call domestic wiretapping illegal?'" --Jay Leno
"You know what they say, if Dick Cheney comes out of his hole and shoots
an old man in the face, six more weeks of winter." --Jimmy Kimmel
"But all kidding aside, and in fairness to Dick Cheney, every five years
he has to shed innocent blood or he violates his deal with the devil."
--Jimmy Kimmel
"The guy Cheney shot is a Texas lawyer. While he was lying there on the
ground he actually handed himself his own business card." --Jay Leno
"It turns out now that Dick Cheney did not have a license to hunt, and
coincidentally, turns out we didn't have a license to go into Iraq."
--David Letterman
"Remember when the most embarrassing thing to happen to a vice-president
was misspelling the word potato?" --Jimmy Kimmel
"If this story gets any bigger, pretty soon they're going to have to tell
the president." --David Letterman
"When the ambulance got there, out of force of habit they put Cheney on
the stretcher. No, the other guy!" --Jay Leno
"He is a lawyer and he got shot in the face. But he's a lawyer, he can use
his other face. He'll be all right." --Craig Ferguson
"You can understand why this lawyer fellow let his guard down, because if
you're out hunting with a politician, you think, 'If I'm going to get it,
it's going to be in the back.'" --Craig Ferguson
"Apparently the reason they didn't release the information right away is
they said we had to get the facts right. That's never stopped them in the
past." --Craig Ferguson
|
|
|
JOKES!
Mar 2, 2006 15:23:31 GMT -5
Post by larr on Mar 2, 2006 15:23:31 GMT -5
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized. "Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub. "Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup "No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug out. Do you want a room with or without a view?"
|
|
|
JOKES!
Mar 12, 2006 15:46:52 GMT -5
Post by Ken on Mar 12, 2006 15:46:52 GMT -5
A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach.
Luckily the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in because it was too risky to operate. She gave birth to two healthy daughters and a healthy son. All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in tears.
"What's wrong?" asked the mother.
"I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out," replied the daughter. The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years ago.
About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears. "Mom, I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out."
Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years ago.
A week later her son walked into the room in tears. "It's okay" said the Mom, "I know what happened. You were taking a tinkle and a bullet came out."
"No," said the boy, "I was playing with myself and I shot the dog."
|
|
|
JOKES!
Mar 20, 2006 17:55:29 GMT -5
Post by Ken on Mar 20, 2006 17:55:29 GMT -5
An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her father cussed her. "Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru ? "
The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff.... dad... I became a prostitute...."
"Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family."
"OK, dad-- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for $5 million. For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside, plus a membership to the country club....(takes a breath).... and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and...."
"Now what was it ye said ye had become?! " says dad.
Girl, crying again, "Sniff, Sniff.... a prostitute dad! Sniff, sniff."
"Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant'. Come here and give yer old man a hug!"
|
|
|
JOKES!
May 4, 2006 2:20:08 GMT -5
Post by Rob G on May 4, 2006 2:20:08 GMT -5
The President and The Queen
George Bush is visiting the Queen of England. He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?"
"Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."
Bush frowns. "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?"
The Queen takes a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy. You just ask them to answer an intelligence riddle. The Queen pushes a button on her intercom. "Please send The Prime Minister in here, would you?"
Tony Blair walks into the room. "Your Majesty..."
The Queen smiles. "Answer me this, please, Tony. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"
Without pausing for a moment, Blair answers, "That would be me!"
"Yes! Very good!" says the Queen.
Back at the White House, Bush calls in his vice president, Dick Cheney.
"Dick, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"
"I'm not sure," says the vice president. "Let me get back to you on that one." Dick Cheney goes to his advisers and asks every one, but none can give him an answer. Finally, he ends up in the men's room and recognizes Colin Powell's shoes in the next stall. Dick shouts, "Colin! Can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Colin Powell yells back, "That's easy. It's me!"
Dick Cheney smiles. "Thanks!"
Cheney goes back to the Oval Office and asks to speak with Bush.
"Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Colin Powell."
Bush gets up, stomps over to Dick Cheney, and angrily yells into his face, "No, you idiot! It's Tony Blair!"
|
|
|
JOKES!
May 4, 2006 19:57:25 GMT -5
Post by exbones on May 4, 2006 19:57:25 GMT -5
Tee-Hee!
|
|
Brian thebane of sandmonkeys
Guest
|
JOKES!
May 5, 2006 21:47:16 GMT -5
Post by Brian thebane of sandmonkeys on May 5, 2006 21:47:16 GMT -5
Yo Momma.... Yo Momma's teeth are so yellow, when she closes her mouth her belly lights up.
Yo mommas pussy is so nasty they eat that shit as a challenge in fearfactor.
|
|
ring87
General Greivous
3rd density endgame.
Posts: 329
|
JOKES!
May 10, 2006 7:08:47 GMT -5
Post by ring87 on May 10, 2006 7:08:47 GMT -5
|
|
|
JOKES!
May 12, 2006 21:15:37 GMT -5
Post by Ken on May 12, 2006 21:15:37 GMT -5
Question: What is the truest definition of Globalization?
Answer: Princess Diana's death.
Question: How come?
Answer: An English princess
with an Egyptian boyfriend
crashes in a French tunnel,
driving a German car
with a Dutch engine,
driven by a Belgian who was drunk
on Scottish whisky, (check the bottle before you change the spelling)
followed closely by Italian Paparazzi,
on Japanese motorcycles;
treated by an American doctor,
using Brazilian medicines.
This is sent to you by an Englishman,
using Bill Gates's technology,
and you're probably reading this on your computer,
that uses Taiwanese chips,
and a Korean monitor,
assembled by Bangladeshi workers
in a Singapore plant,
transported by Indian lorry-drivers,
hijacked by Indonesians,
unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen,
and trucked to you by Mexican illegals.....
That, my friends, is Globalization!
|
|